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Every Now and Then, I Fall Apart

It is strange now how the brain views everything. It is as though new pathways were forged in my mind the moment of my loss. This Sunday, October 5, 2014, Tim will be gone nine months. Nine months to bring him into this world, nine months that he has been gone. I fall apart. I tried to not think about Sunday, for it was a Sunday that he left. I try not to think about 5:00 in the evening for it…

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Carry on Till Tomorrow

I don’t listen to music anymore. Even the happy songs can make my heart sad. When I write though, it is because a song started running though my head and would not stop until I wrote what it evoked in my mind. I feel that for some reason, it is something that needs writing. I find that it is not only the newly bereaved that ask this question, the long suffering do too. ‘How do I go on?’ Oh how I…

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Always on My Mind

It is always there, just at the front of your mind. Whether you are conscious of it or not, it is aways there, the loss, the sadness the sorrow. Always there. You cannot step back from it for it is a part of you now, soaked deep into your heart, your soul. Certain sounds, smells, places can bring that grief crushing down in a nano second causing you to go blind to the world around you as you…

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Did You Really Say That To Me?

Our changed views of the world become our normal out look. Everything is different, absolutely everything. Some things will right them selves, but most will remain changed and we become use to that change. It becomes our way of life. Just as we see the colors of the universe darken, we see people for who they truly are. Another painful rite of passage into this strange new land. If you think…

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Behind Blue Eyes

When all else eases a little, guilt keeps on building up. We wonder what we could have said or done differently. We tell ourselves that if we had kept them talking a little longer, they would not have been at that red light at that exact time. If we had taken them to the doctor sooner. If we had listened closer we would have heard their cry for help or felt, intuitively, that something awful was…

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All the Days of My Life

Why do we want to follow our loved one? We have those still here who love us, who we love, yet our deepest desire, beyond having them back, is to follow them. Each day is a battle to live and a question to ourselves as to why we still do. It is not our love for others that hold us here though eventually, that may become the reason. At first, I felt no love, no caring for anything. It was not just…

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Learning to Survive

Looking back to how life was before Tim lost his fight, I see that, in it’s own way, it was good. I had both my kids who had kids of their own. Times could be hard, but we always made it through. I look back and see now, what I didn’t see then. We all have blinders on to the absolute suffering of others. Some have a natural empathy that though they have not suffered personally, they feel others…

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Broken Bridges-Mending Hearts

Grief does not take a holiday to allow you time to breath. It does not wait for you to wake in the mornings or watch a calendar for a certain amount of time to lapse so it can go to the next person. It does not ask permission to take up residence in your heart for the rest of your life. Grief strips you down past the bare bones of who you thought you were. It changes you so drastically that you…

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