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Yes, Everyday

Most days, we walk around half alive. It is not the living we crave, but those who have been so brutally ripped from our lives. We wish, with all that is within us that our brains would blank out. Possibly the lucky ones are those who walk around in a brain fog for an extended period. Maybe not so lucky as once that fog fades, once the shock wears off, reality breaks us off at the knees leaving…

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A Cloak of Pretense

The moment of our loss, all pretense, the mask, falls away. What is seen is the inner us, so raw and broken; completely destroyed. Those around us see how lost we have become in that instant. It is hard for them to bear, what they see. We really don’t see those around us, feel their pain or sorrow. Life does not exist for us where we have been tossed. Death is all consuming, pain and devastation…

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Respect My Grief

Recently, I heard the phrase, ‘Respect my grief,’ it gave me pause for thought. I had to look at this from various sides to try and understand it’s meaning. I think it is not just one meaning, but a multitude. The words stuck in my head, echoed in my heart. It has a simple truth to it. It has taken months to sink in that no one has the grief I have. It is personalized, tailored just for me. That…

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The World Moves On

Tim’s picture hangs in the hallway, beside his room. From his chair in the living room, you can see it clearly. Only his room was in use down that way. I haven’t gone in there to straighten up. It remains the same as it was the night he died. His pants lay where he left them, his possessions scattered about the room in various places. The Denver Bronco jersey’s hang as they were. I have no desire…

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The Next Teardrop

There are days that seem to never end. Those are the days when the tears fall the most. It does not matter what direction you turn, how hard you resist, how frantically you try to push away from the pain, the next teardrop falls. How does the human body have such a capacity for so many tears? Someone once said that the amount of tears you cry throughout your life could raise the level of an…

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25 posts!

25 posts!

Who’ll Stop the Rain?

A few years ago, before she passed, my mom talked about the little brother she lost when she was just a child. I had heard the story a few times over the years and thought I knew it well. It happened over 50 years ago and she still cried. It was not until Tim’s passing that I realized I did not know her story at all. Yes, I listened to the words, I imagined it in my mind, but the true story was…

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Every Now and Then, I Fall Apart

It is strange now how the brain views everything. It is as though new pathways were forged in my mind the moment of my loss. This Sunday, October 5, 2014, Tim will be gone nine months. Nine months to bring him into this world, nine months that he has been gone. I fall apart. I tried to not think about Sunday, for it was a Sunday that he left. I try not to think about 5:00 in the evening for it…

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Carry on Till Tomorrow

I don’t listen to music anymore. Even the happy songs can make my heart sad. When I write though, it is because a song started running though my head and would not stop until I wrote what it evoked in my mind. I feel that for some reason, it is something that needs writing. I find that it is not only the newly bereaved that ask this question, the long suffering do too. ‘How do I go on?’ Oh how I…

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Always on My Mind

It is always there, just at the front of your mind. Whether you are conscious of it or not, it is aways there, the loss, the sadness the sorrow. Always there. You cannot step back from it for it is a part of you now, soaked deep into your heart, your soul. Certain sounds, smells, places can bring that grief crushing down in a nano second causing you to go blind to the world around you as you…

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